Looking for Alaska herself
by dingdinghwang
Summary: A story based on a movie.


'Fuck,' she said. 'Just get rid of the Eagle for me,' she said, her sobs childlike half screams. 'God oh God. I'm sorry.'

'Okay,' the Colonel said. 'Start the car when you hear the second string.'

But…

I don't want to let Alaska alone when she upset.

'No, I won't let you alone.' I said. 'Just pretend we are not here.'

Alaska stared at me with tears in her eyes. It was extremely beautiful.

It seemed that I look at myself in her eyes. Illusory and baking-hot.

Her eyelashes trembled.

'Fine.' Alaska said. 'I won't leave, I stay here. Please leave me alone.'

The next day

The smell of the wet wood along the sun shinning into the room. Moist and tender. I thought I heard the sound of cicada.

I woke up with headache. I have a nightmare last night.

In the dream, Alaska dead due to an accident. I looked her face, and then I turn into Alaska.

I don't know what the real nightmare is. The dream? Or Alaska.

But what I really feel is that I love Alaska, I can't lose her.

Her face which appeared in my dream emerged on and on. Just like some soft cotton, go around and go around, hold me by my throat little by little.

I should tell her.

I made my mind.

I gently step on the floor with a creaky voice，feeling that I smash the sunshine.

I found Alaska in the study. She huddled up in her swivel chair，holding the ankl with her head buried in the knee.

I stared at her with her face's fluff clearly.

I don't want to disturb the beauty at the moment，so I turned my gaze.

I want to hug her, tightly.

'I love you.' I muttered，very naturally. Like an incomprehensible flying moth darts into the fire. Like a pupils who attend in a speech contest，as if practicing a number of times，making strange sound from the throat but doesn't have any word. I saw winds lift a corner of the curtain. I saw sunshine whisk Alaska's fluff. I saw Alaska lift up her mouth.

'Me too.'

I saw Alaska open her eyes.

I saw she smile to me with her eyelashes trembled. It was extremely beautiful.

After that day, we became lover for granted.

However，love in that age came quickly and suddenly, just like a fever. So we are forgetting about our own as we had nothing else.

We read poetry, smoking, drinking, loitering and doing mischief, just like it always been. We hugging, kissing, and making love with crazy mood. We make time, killing time, wasting time. We have love and fun, we are like-minded, we seeking the pinnacle of pleasure with each other , so there's poem, wine and starry sky. We like the frog in the warm water, not to the point of swimming and looking for boiling.

One day

'Don't you think we are stardust?' Alaska said.

She lay down on my side with eyes closed.

'Hem…, you are a real star to Me.' my fingers knead her earlobe, so soft that I have never felt.

'Do you believe reincarnation?' She looked straight at the ceiling, like she didn't hear what I said. Or as if I was not here.

'Hem…Maybe.' I wrapped my fingers with her hair, carelessly go around and around in circles.

。

'People have a notion of an eternal soul, right? I have a thought: 50,000 years ago there are not even a million people. Ten thousand years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the Earth. If we all have our own individual, unique soul... where did they all come from? Are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? Dose it represents a 5,000 to one split of each soul... So, at best, we're like these tiny fractions of people walking. Is that why we're so scattered? ' Alaska still didn't look at me, but her eyes have a little hazy.

'It is interesting.' I clapped my eyes on Alaska's moist lips, they curled and like a delicate Strawberry. I want to take a bite. 'I mean, interesting.'

'I thought we were the same soul, Mile.' Alaska rolled over. Stare at me. 'I thought I was you.'

I don't know whether my hand wrapped around her hair, or my hands were clenched in her hair. I was in a daze, seemed couldn't escape the tightly wound spiral.

'I used to think we are the same, like fragments of the same soul. But I found that we are the exploding stars which just happened in the same day. Small but special enough. We are similar to each other; we want to hug each other, against the unbearable lightness. 'Alaska opened his mouth, laughing. 'So stupid.'

'Stupid.' I laughed, too.

I saw she laugh with her eyelashes trembled. It was extremely beautiful.

Last day

I remember the day I say goodbye to Alaska.

She smile with silence and look at me with tears in her eyes.

I felt the sunshine, the wind, and the moist.

At that time, I almost saw the figure of Alaska in my nightmare.

At that time, I do not feel lost. I want to hug her, as any status in her life.

At that time, I understand the unbearable lightness of being.

Can I call it break up?

I am not sure.

We really love each other until now.

But we are not each other's star any more.

We do not break the relationship. We just put it into another shape.

We have been attracted. We have been bored. We have been confused.

I probably understand the meaning of Alaska's word 'stardust'.

Every time we fall in love is a progress to find true self.

In this lonely enormous universe, we look for our exit and find evidence to prove it.

People always say love is selflessness.

Yet, nothing is selfish than love.

We thought we love the person we should love.

The truth is we love ourselves in love.

Did I really say goodbye to her?

I am not sure.

I just remember that I saw she smile with her eyelashes trembled.

It was extremely beautiful.


End file.
